At A Loss
by EmoCloud
Summary: Tsuzuki is troubled and poor Hisoka is left with the burden of why his partner is crying so much....
1. Chapter 1

" ...Sigh."

Great I'm just left here waiting for that idiot to show up. Why am I even waiting? He probably went to some bar and got drunk instead of showing up for work.

" I should leave..."

"H-Hisoka is that you...?" came a slightly shocked voice from the open office door.

The head of the younger blonde boy turned at the mention of his name from the familiar voice. Emerald eyes met with the dreamy amethyst orbs.

"..." Hisoka just stared at the dark haired older man until he spoke, than he turned to continue working.

"Hisoka what are you still doing here?" asked a confused Tsuzuki.

"I was waiting for you, baka." The empath stated without looking up. He obviously didn't want to talk for some reason. This made Tsuzuki curious.

"Waiting?" asked a curious Tsuzuki.

"Yes, waiting. You see my idiot of a partner left me to do all the work while he got drunk." Hisoka said in a very annoyed tone. He paused for a breath and a quick glare at his "idiot" partner.

"But 'soka-" Tsuzuki tried unsuccessfully, before getting cutt off and yelled at some more.

"Honestly you could at least learn how to tell time baka. Five hours! Can't you do anything right? Why the hell did you bother showing up five hours after everyone else went h-" Hisoka stopped when he realized the older shinigami was crying.

Hisoka just stared in shock not knowing what to do. This wasn't the first time he'd seen the older man cry but he felt lost and confused as to what to do. Before he'd at least known the afflictions that caused the older shinigamis pains, but not now. Now he was in the dark as to what had caused the usually happy go lucky man to revert to this pathetic state. Pain. That was the only feeling Hisoka could grasp from Tsuzukis mind. He wasn't letting his shields fall. That was a good sign, right? Usually when Tsuzuki went into these kinds of states his shields would drop completely causing Hisoka to feel everything Tsuzuki felt. Unintentionally of course. Wait... why was he working so hard to keep his shields up? Was there someting that he didn't want Hisoka to know? Was he upset with Hisoka for yelling at him?

"Tsuzuki-" Hisoka tried but was silenced by complete shock as Tsuzuki lunged forward at the sound of his name, grabbed Hisoka, and began to cry into his shirt.

Hisoka blushed. The action of Tsuzuki grabbing onto Hisokas shirt had ripped off some of the buttons leaving most of Tsuzukis face to burrow and cry into Hisokas bare chest. Hisoka could feel the warm tears on his skin. Realizing the situation he was in he blushed even more before mentally smacking himself and moving on to try and comfort Tsuzuki. He patted the older mans head to try and comfort him before moving on to questioning him.

"Tsuzuki. What's wrong? Did I upset you?" Hisoka tried first changing his patting motions to slow stroking motions.

Tsuzuki seemed more comfortable with these new motions but didn't give an answer. He just moved closer to Hisoka and continued to cry.

As Tsuzuki moved closer to him Hisoka realized that he hadn't been wrong and that Tsuzuki had been drinking. Tsuzuki wasn't drinking for the usual reasons either, something was seriously wrong...

After hours of trying to calm Tsuzuki down and get some information on what was wrong, Hisoka finally gave up. Tsuzuki had worn himself out from crying and had fallen asleep much to Hisokas dismay, on his lap. He was tempted to push the older shinigami awake but thought against it when he saw how much calmer he looked now that he was asleep. Not wanting to awaken the man Hisoka teleported them back to Tsuzuki's place.


	2. Chapter 2

Hisoka had been here on a few occasions before now, but he still couldn't help the feeling he got when he entered Tsuzukis home. It was very different from his own home. His home was basically empty and seemed very cold and barren compared to Tsuzukis. Tsuzukis home was a gathering place for random objects and memorabilia. Hisoka grimaced as he noticed how messy Tsuzukis place had gotten. He decided he'd clean until Tsuzuki woke up but first he'd have to lay Tsuzuki somewhere.

Hisoka tried with all his strength to get Tsuzuki to the bedroom so he could lay him in the bed but then he realized he didn't know which room it was. Hisoka couldn't hold the older shingami up much longer so he just settled him on a couch in the living room. With that he started cleaning.

Hisoka started in the kitchen. He threw away month old take-out, Tsuzukis own failed attempts at cooking, and the many damaged and broken dishes that were scattered across the kitchen floor. He then started cleaning the good dishes, the counters, and he mopped the floor. He then moved to cleaning and organizing the living room, bathroom, dining room, guest room, and last but not least he came to what he figured to be Tsuzukis room. He was shocked. The place was- clean?

Every other room had looked like a tornado had torn through it except his bedroom. How did that happen? The only thing that seemed to be messy was his bed. The sheets were unmade and his pillow and blanket were on the floor. That's it? He walked over to the bed and lifted the pillow. There were no food stains on it. There was nothing visibly wrong with it. He sniffed it wondering if Tsuzuki had maybe spilled sake in his bed and that was why it remained unused. It smelled like Tsuzuki. He blushed and set it on the bed. He shouldn't be in this room. He didn't feel like he belonged here for some reason.

As he began to leave the room he recognized a dark aura. ' Muraki!' Hisoka stopped. 'Muraki's been here!' he thought in shock. He walked around the rest of the house looking for a similar aura but found it only extended to Tsuzuki's bedroom.

Feeling both angry and hurt Hisoka stomped into the living room to give Tsuzuki a piece of his mind, but stopped when he saw that his still sleeping partner was having a nightmare.

He knew he shouldn't invade Tsuzuki's thoughts, but he wanted to know what was wrong with him. What had Tsuzuki in this shape. He needed to know and he knew the older shinigami would never tell him. He always treated him like he was just a little kid, but he wasn't. If he hadn't died he'd now be nineteen.

"Baka...What's happening to make you this way?" Hisoka asked as he moved toward the couch and sat on the floor next to Tsuzuki. "In this shape I'd easily be able to get past your sheild and see what's wrong." Hisoka reasoned as he turned to look at Tsuzuki "But that would be betraying your trust wouldn't it?" He stroked the tips of tsuzukis hair out of his face. As he did so the older man once again calmed down.

He was still slightly surprised at Tsuzukis reactions to his touch but, figured if they comforted the man while he slept he could do it a little while longer. After a while of stroking Tsuzukis hair Hisoka found himself slowly falling asleep. He tried to get up to prevent falling asleep, but was stopped by the warm body on the couch pulling him back down. Hisoka looked back at the man and relaxed when he found that he was still sleeping. A little while longer and Hisoka once again felt himself falling asleep, but didn't fight the warm grip of the other. He soon drifted into sleep.

Tsuzuki's pov

I was lost in my hopeless thoughts. The darkness was around me again. I was trapped, but I ran. Even though I ran, it didn't matter. No matter how far I ran I still felt the same way. I felt lost, but just as I never thought I'd see light again I felt a familiar warmth. I felt calmer again. The dark was leaving. Just as I began to feel secure again I felt the warm leaving me. I couldn't let it leave me! I'm too selfish. I reached for it. I needed it... I caught it again. I'm safe. I won't let go. I couldn't if I wanted to... I feel it holding on to me too. The warm is smothering me... wait this is bad right?

As I opened my eyes I stared around but found the room was dark. Even through the dark I could tell I was in my living room. I wondered how I got there, but couldn't figure it out until I felt the weight on me move. I looked down and realized the warm mass was Hisoka. ' What's Hisoka doing here?' I wondered but didn't ask. Hisoka looked tired. I could tell that much even in the dark. As I moved I felt his grip on my arm slightly tighten.

I carefully moved him into my arms, got up, and began to carefully move my way through the dark room. I was careful not to trip on anything strewn across the floor. As I headed down the hall I realized there was nothing on the floor. I could see no dark shapes piled on the floor. The hall seemed devoid of all of its usual trash. 'How'd that happen?'

Not wanting to wake Hisoka by walking around more than neccessary I continued the walk to my room. Besides I would've had to turn on the lights to look around and that might wake 'Soka. I carefully brought him to the bed and lay him down gently. I then tucked him under the sheets and bent over and picked my blanket up off the ground and covered him with it. As I began to leave to inspect the changes in my house I heard him begin to talk in his sleep. "Tsuzuki..." he muttered.

At the sound of my name I turned around and found Hisoka was struggling in his sleep. He seemed to be having nightmares. I wondered why he was here. I couldn't remember him coming over... Even so I felt concerned so I went to comfort him. I gently stroked his hair and the night fits slowly subsided. I looked at my watch.' 3:30... 3 hours until work. We'll talk in the morning. ' I finally decided and came back to the bed. I sat on the left side and slowly took off my shoes. I then lay back on the bed . I was suprised when I felt Hisoka moved toward me in his sleep. I should be used to it considering he does it whenever he's had bad dreams and I'm around, but everytime I feel slight surprise and then worry.

I briefly felt the suprise and then the worry began to set in. As the worry began to deepen I again began to wonder why Hisoka was here. After a while of thinking my thoughts grew hazy and sleep over came me. I felt myself melting into the warmth of the blankets and the "little heater" next to me. The last thing I saw as I drifted into sleep was 'Sokas angelic face giving off a slight smile. I felt myself hug him... and then nothing.

_**Hey there everyone! So so sorry about the wait! I have way limited internet access. I know it's been a long time since an update on this story and I've kept up on another but I lost my original plot to this story and had to come up with whole 'nother one! At first I was like oh man this sucks! but then as time went by I came up with a whole new plot! I don't know if it's gonna be as good as my original plot line, but I'll try! I promise! Oh well... I guess you guys wouldn't of been able to tell the difference anyway... I'll try to update more often too! Thanks for reading my lil ramblings and if you have any comments go ahead and review!**_

_**EmoCloud**_


	3. Chapter 3

Dear readers,

These ... mean thoughts, ok?

That is all.

Hisoka's POV

Once again I felt myself waking up to the familiar feeling of being strangled. I felt too lazy to get up so I just tried to push whatever it was away. I stopped the instant I heard a slight whimper and felt the grip on me tighten. I slowly opened my eyes and found that it was still dark. I tried to move to get up and turn on a light, but realized there was something heavy on me. I tried to wiggle out from underneath it, but stopped when I heard it make a noise.

"hmmh...'Soka... you up?" asked a tired tenor I instantly recognized as Tsuzuki.

"Tsuzuki?!" I blushed as I yelled. "What the Hell are you doing in my bed you idiot?!" I felt myself blush even more as I heard him laugh. How could I not? I didn't just hear him laughing... I felt it. I could feel his actual movements over me as he laughed. I could feel his emotions via empathy. Happiness, elation, pleasure... They instantly went away as I felt his shield go up as usual.

"This is my bed." he said in a way which I could tell he was smiling. I felt myself blush more and then realization hit me.

"Tsuzuki. How did we get here from the couch?" I asked confused.

"I'm not telling! ." Tsuzuki said playfully as he got out of bed and turned on the light.

He's still in his work clothes? Oh that's right! The office. 

"Seriously you baka! What's going on?" I yelled angrily as Tsuzuki slipped out of the room. He ignored my yells obviously trying to taunt me and walked out of the room.

"I'm gonna take a shower now." he yelled back as I heard the shower turn on.

"Baka..." I sat there muttering to myself wondering once again why I was waiting for that baka... And just why I was in his bed...

Tsuzuki's POV

The second I got in the bathroom I instantly turned on the shower, yanking the cold handle so hard I thought that I might break it. Ever heard of the phrase take a cold shower? Yeah, well, I need a cold shower now! Damn it! Why did 'Soka have to squirm around like that?! It was almost unbearable! Is he doing this on purpose? He must if he remembers how we ended up on the couch and I don't! How did we wind up on the couch anyway? What's going on?! I could feel myself aching down low.

Damn it! He makes me feel my best and worst at once! 

As I began to undress I could feel the tightness in my pants. "I need him.." I began to whisper to myself. I knew it was wrong and I knew he could never return my feelings, but I couldn't help it! I wanted and needed 'Soka so badly I hurt! Oh, well. I knew it was just another time added to the multitude of times before that I'd felt this way.

I began once again wondering what 'Soka thought of me, what 'Soka would think of me if he knew how I felt, and what would happen if I told him... In my mind I knew none of the scenarios would work and he'd leave me hurt in the end, but after the dreams I'd had as of late I couldn't help it. I dreamt of myself defiling the angel that sat a mere room away. His presence in my apartment was almost haunting. I began to feel chills as I thought about him. He'd be sickened by these feelings if he knew. To him I'd just be another Muraki.

Just as I was about to get in the shower I heard a knock on the bathroom door. "Tsuzuki. Open up, it's me." I heard 'Soka say. He sounded upset so I wrapped a towel around my waist and opened the door hoping I hadn't done anything wrong.

"What is it 'Soka?" I asked nervously.

"We need to talk..." He said taking another step toward me.

"Oh.Ok! What do you wanna talk about?" I asked in mild surprise.

"I know you probably consider it a game not to tell me, but you need to tell me how we got to the bed. Now." 'Soka said giving me a slight glare. Not wanting to anger him I decided to comply with his request.

"Well, Hisoka when I woke up we were on the couch. We were both in our work clothes and you were laying on top of me. I wondered how we got there, but didn't want to wake you to ask. I decided you looked tired so I carried you into my room. I then lay you on the bed, tucked you in, and then climbed in myself. I decided I'd ask you how we got here in the first place when you woke up." I said in a serious tone keeping eye contact with 'Soka the whole time.

"Oh. Ok... " This new outlook on how things had come to be made 'Soka blush.

"Alrighty then... Your turn! How did we end up on the couch?" I asked rather playfully. I like it when 'Soka blushes.

"Um... Well. What happened was..." Hisoka started. He broke eye contact with me as he spoke. He seemed to be looking everywhere, except at me. He began to play with the collar of his shirt, which opened up more of the view to his collar bones, and I let out a slight groan as I felt myself growing hotter... only 'Soka could ever make me react this way at such a simple gesture.

"Yes, Soka?" I asked trying to get him to look me in the face. I didn't want him to continue looking around or he might notice something he shouldn't of.

"I was in-" Hisoka's eyes had been working their way up to my face when he stopped and blushed furiously. I immediatly knew that he'd seen my unattended arousal. He looked at me with realization on his face and then shot me a furious glare. "Take your shower and then we can continue this conversation later." He ground out in a startled yet firm voice as he turned and walked back out of the bathroom.

"But 'Soka wait!" I said trying to stop him. I was the one who was instead stopped. Hisoka had stopped walking and sent me one of his worst glares. I hadn't received a glare this bad from him since we'd first met. He'd had a gun then, but he seemed scarier now than he had then.

"No. I'll meet you at work Tsuzuki. I'll be late if I don't get home and changed. Do you want me to be late?" He asked me in a serious tone, still glaring at me.

"Of course not, I-" I started.

"Of course not because you'll be there waiting for me so you can make up the work you missed yesterday." With that said 'Soka left the room and I could hear him open and slam the front door behind him.

"I missed work yesterday?" I repeated confused. Last I knew, I hadn't missed work...

Hisoka's POV

I can't believe that my eyes had wondered to the waistline of Tsuzuki's towel... as if that hadn't been enough I'd caught him trying to relax an early morning hard on that I'd probably aggrivated with all my squirming!

It's no wonder he left so quickly!!! Gods! I can be so dense sometimes! To make matters worse I had to act like an asshole to cover up for the damn blush I could feel crossing my face... Tsuzuki probably thinks I hate him now or something! I thought to myself as I ran up the last few stairs to the front door of the summons department. I couldn't believe how stupid I could be... I'd yelled at Tsuzuki only three hours ago about being on time and here I am an hour late! I just couldn't bring myself to face him earlier...

As I reached our office door I slowed myself to a walk and evened out my breathing. I then entered the room and was surprised to find Tsuzuki asleep at my desk... That wasn't really the suprising part, that happened often after all. What surprised me was that he was shaking and fidgeting. ...A nightmare.

He's definetly having a nightmare. I thought to myself as I walked to my desk and looked at him. He looked scared and lost so I did the only thing I could think to do. I stroked his cheek. After a couple times doing this he seemed to calm signifantly. I figured that would calm him. He'd done it for me many times... when my dreams of Muraki had returned. He'd always been there to comfort me. Or at least most of the time. It was strange how he seemed capable of protecting everyone, except himself.

"Don't worry. I'll watch over you Tsuzuki." I whispered as I stroked my fingers through his hair. I watched as his eyelids fluttered slowly and opened. I felt like I was under a spell as he woke and slowly turned to look at me. I was surprised he'd woken, but I continued stroking his hair as if he hadn't.

"Soka... What are you doin'? Tsuzuki's rough tired voice ripped me from my enchantment and I began blushing.

"You were having a nightmare." I said quietly. Tsuzuki's eyes seemed filled with surprise and then hope.

"So your not mad at me?" He asked in an almost pleading tone.

"No." I said after a moment of contemplation. This made him give me a slight smile and I smiled back as he fell asleep once again. This time no nightmares seemed to come. I decided to let Tsuzuki sleep until around lunch since he seemed so drained.

My decsicion of letting Tsuzuki sleep fell through about an hour and a half before lunch when Watari ran into the room and informed me that Tsuzuki and I were needed for field work. Nodding I got up from Tsuzuki's desk (which I had cleaned while he'd slept) and turned to my own to wake him. After a few nudges, he just grunted which made Watari laugh. I sighed and began shaking him.

"Mmm... Soka hold still... This is only a twin matress..." Tsuzuki grunted out making me freeze and blush. Watari on the other hand cracked up laughing. Watari's laughter seemed to wake Tsuzuki seeing as he sat up and asked what was soo funny. I immediatly glared at him and smacked him with one of the many reports I'd finished while he'd slept.

Tsuzuki whimpered and turned to Watari with one of those 'What did I do?' faces. Watari opened his mouth to answer and froze as I quickly glared at him. He fortunatly got the message. Unfortunatly this is Watari so he quickly bounced back.

"Well Tsuzuki, I tell ya what. If ya try my sex-changing potion, I'll tell ya!" Watari said with a grin. 003 chirped at this announcment. Tsuzuki instantly made a hmm... sound like he was actually thinking about it!

"Ya gotta be kidding me! Come on Tsuzuki! We've been summoned!" I said quickly grabbing Tsuzuki by the arm and pulling him toward the door. I then stopped and turned back to Watari.

"Be careful who you cross... You wouldn't want Tatsumi to find out who's been stretching our budget on-" I cut myself off as Watari turned pale began shaking his head furiously with a resounding message of 'No! Please No! I'll behave!'.

"Good." With that I turned and pulled Tsuzuki down the hall toward Konoe's office. It's times like those that I'm glad I gathered material to use as blackmail againt him.

**Hokkaido**

Tsuzuki's POV

'Soka and I have been sent into Hokkaido due to several mysterious disapearances of people who were supposed to be on the Kiseki (catalog of the dead). We decided to start in the area of the last disapearance. Turning to look at Hisoka, who for the milionth time glared at me, I asked about the latest victim.

"Carole Mackenzie. Age 26. She's a foreigner who just moved here to be with her husband who works in medicine at Meio Hospital. They have no kids. She was suppose to die in a car accident after fleeing the scene of her husband having an affair with a nurse... Instead she never arrived and her husband died while "performing". He wasn't on the kiseki yet." I could see the disgusted look on 'Soka's face. He didn't like these kind of cases.

"What about the nurse?" I asked seeing as there was no mention of her.

"He's been missing since the incident." 'Soka said with a grimace. Shit. I could tell already this was gonna be a rough case for him. He didn't like the cases that dealt with-

"Wait a minute! Did you just say he?!" I asked with surprise. Hisoka just stared at me with hurt eyes which he quickly hid and nodded. He then continued walking ahead of me to the hotel the ministry booked for us.

I couldn't tell if the hurt look was from my reaction to the case info itself or my reaction to the fact that both our victim and the nurse were male. Of course I was sure it was due to his overall discomfort working with cases such as these. Even after the case with the priest and and boy 'Soka's age at the all-boys school neither of us were really used to these awkward ones. Sighing to myself I moved forward and patted 'Soka's head.

"C'mon 'Soka. Cheer up and I'll take ya to get ice cream!" I cheered with a grin on my face.

"Quit treating me like a little kid!" 'Soka protested knocking my hand off.

"But you are 'Soka! And kids love ice cream!" I grinned loving the blush that spread across 'Soka's face at that moment.

After a couple minutes of taunting and begging, I finally manged to convince him to agree to get some icecream with me after we checked in and reported back to the office for another briefing on suspects and their current locations.

**Hey there folks! This is #BakaShinigami# ! I'm here to update for my buddy EmoCloud, so please try to be kind to me while he's off from writing, k? Ok, well I hope you enjoyed the update, if not... let me know and I'll try again later, if so... I'll update again soon and give you more bishie love! Alright well check ya later ///////#BakaShinigami# P. S - Early Merry Christmas!**


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